It’s almost that time, the time that single people dread more than any other time of the year, New Years Eve.
I am not single, and this is the 7th NYE that I have spent with my wife, so seriously if we make it till midnight without falling asleep before I’ll be amazed, that’s the sort of exciting life that I lead.
But for you single folks my heart goes out to you. What if there’s nobody to kiss as the clock strikes 12? What if you don’t get invited to some cool party? What if your dealer is out of town? The list of pressures is endless.
So here’s my advice, listen carefully. Go now, right now, and buy 3 quarts of vodka. Start drinking, heavily. Maybe throw on your favorite Twilight Singers mixtape to get you in the mood. Once you have your buzz on start texting people that you hate and let them know how much you hate them, don’t forget to masturbate between texts. Call your parents and let them know it really IS all their fault. Get in your car and drive drunk, pick up a corner street hooker and have unprotected sex, hopefully she does anal. Commit some random, senseless violent act and get arrested, get thrown into the drunk tank right before midnight NYE, tell everyone you have a bomb and keep showing them your balls and yelling ‘these could go off at any minute’. Get released the next morning with a wicked hangover and go home to sleep it off.
Now you have a great NYE story and fuck all those popular people, they can’t compare to you. Have a great NYE, I’ll see you in 2010.